Contemplating...

Lately, perhaps due to the changing weather, I've been contemplating about my life--- what am I now, what happens with my career, how am I as a wife, and what's in store for me in the future.


1. What Am I Now?

I am Mrs. Marjorie Jayne Pacis-Villamar, Mark Johnson's loving wife. That's how I only see myself, nothing more. Even the daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Ricardo Pacis and an older sister to Ricky Jay and Neil Joseph, I don't see myself as those anymore. 

Oh yes, since I got married, I decided to relocate with my husband and leave the old me. I wanted to start all over again with my husband and begin building our own family. That's what I simply wanted--- to be the best wife and to be a mother soon. 

But why do I feel like I am a loser? Because I hate to hear comparisons of me with my friends from the people I truly love. Because I don't have a job while my friends are starting to delve into their own careers and get successful, I can't help but to feel hurt when someone is comparing me to them. Though, I deeply know that I am blessed with my husband, with my family, with my marriage, but why there is a sudden feel that I'm no more competitive???

2. What Happens With My Career? 

Since I was a child, many people expected me to be a winner at all times. I never ran away without putting up a good fight because I always want to win. Though I was always the second best in class, people still believe in me especially my family and our family friends.

I was born to be a leader. I never failed to be running in the student council and I never failed to be part of the class officers. That's why people really perceive me as a strong person.

But lately, I'm always asking myself-- if I am always the winner and the leader before, then what happens to me now? What happens with my career? Nowadays, having a stable career has been the measure of success in life. For the past 5 years, my career wasn't that "stable". I've always believed that Communication Arts is a "jack-of-all-trade." Yes, it is, but as what one of my interviewers told me, it's a "master-of-nothing"--- and that's what I've proven now. I may be flexible, but as I browse the Jobstreet, I don't know what specialization I do fit in.

When I resigned in Yellow Cab, many reacted because they so much believed that I got one of the best jobs. Actually, it was my dream job--- a cool boss, a stress-less environment, lots of travel opportunities, plenty of field works, opportunity to meet and greet different well-known personalities in the food business, and the works. However, staying longer entitles me to sacrifice my marriage so even if it breaks my heart, I decided to leave it.

And now, what's going on with my career? It's so hard for me to back on track again. I'm torn with what I will do in my life-- doing a business of my own, be employed in Manila, jobhunt abroad, or be back in school to get my masters. I don't feel to be competitive anymore, and that's what hurts most.

3. How Am I As A Wife?

If I were to rate myself as a wife, I think it's playing between 5 and 8. Sometimes 5 because the "Juan Tamad" in me is at work. Due to the bed weather here in Baguio, all I wanted is to stay in bed, grab my tablet and surf the internet all day. I'm no more productive. But rarely, there are days when I really grade myself with 8 because my husband can't stop me from cooking and cleaning the house. There are times that I'll surprise him with my undying tuna pesto or a house that is super clean that he can't even walk around to avoid messing up the floor.

But seriously, I believe that I've been doing good for the past 9 months of our marriage. We never had a serious fight and the fact that I left everything for him, I think that's truly enough for me to be labeled as a "good" wife.

4. What's In Store For Me In The Future?

Only God knows. I was the type of person who plans my future but I then realize that it's only God who knows and plans my future ahead. As long as I know that my husband loves me and won't let me down, I'm okay with that.

A career and a baby will be the greatest bonus if God gives them to me :-) 

Note to self: Marj, you just have to be positive. No one could tear nor break you apart because you are strong. You are a born-fighter so just fight and never entertain negative thoughts. If any one will bring you down, disconnect with him/her and make him/her feel his lost :-)