RECONCEPTUALIZING LOVE

*A paperwork I submitted as part of my curriculum in Social Science way back in college.

           What is really meant by the word “love?” Is it a psychological thing which is only in the mind of the people or is it an emotional one which is felt by the heart? There have been so many things said about love. Love, according to the Webster Comprehensive Dictionary, is a strong, complex emotion or feeling causing one to appreciate, delight in, and craves the presence or possession of another and to please or promote the welfare of the other. It is the devoted affection or attachment.

            In my own definition of love, it is giving, sacrificing, and understanding. It is giving because if you love someone your tendency is to make him happy in your side so all you have to do is to give everything that would make him happy. It is not merely receiving because that would mean selfishness and not love. It is sacrificing because loving someone is not always a positive aspect. It will make you experience difficulties and will teach you to surpass all the challenges that you’ll meet as you go on with your relationship. In sacrificing, understanding is associated with it. You can not sacrifice if you don’t understand what you are sacrificing for. You understand because you love. Moreover, for me, love means patience and I do believe that age really doesn’t matter. In addition to that, true love doesn’t see people around you. All you see is yourself together with your loved one and all your dreams that you would like to happen for both of you. You will be blind in everything, in every mistake and in all the bad things that people might say against your relationship. Thus, the statement “Love is blind” is not true because love is not blind but lovers are blind.

            I remember the story of my love life. I’ve been into a relationship for the past three years. If you’ll look at it, it seems that three years is so long. But for us, three years is not yet enough for us to show how much we love each other. We still want to spend a lifetime with each other so that we’ll be able to prove that loving means forever. At first I didn’t believe that his love for me will last this long because the statement “I’ll love you forever!” has been said to me many times and they all failed. But then, as we tread our path of our love story, I come to believe that it is true.  I do not believe in love at first sight. Well, perhaps it was infatuation that I felt when I first saw him. I just met him out of the blue. I accidentally saw him in one of the gatherings that I visited. Then out of nowhere he approached me with something that in fact, he was not the one that I am talking to. I do not also believe in destiny but as I come to think of it, I gradually realized that everything that happens has a reason. I am still holding on to the belief that God allowed me to meet him in that gathering because he is destined for me. I don’t know how I will elaborate the feeling when I have him compared to the other guys that I met before and to the ones that I’ve met nowadays. There is something in our relationship that keeps me to hold on and not give up.

 His first love note for me that I want to share is this:

Everdearest Honeybabe,               Eventhough we’re far apart you’re always in my heart. I love you so much!                                                  Honeybabe

        This simple note had really turned me on. I don’t know why but perhaps it was because he surprisingly gave that to me. He put it in the book that I borrowed from him and I saw it when he was gone. As I repeatedly read the note, I can’t help but to compare it with the other love notes that I received before. This one is rather simple but has a deep meaning compared to the others that have a very complex sentences, deep-meaning words, messages that have full of compliments about me, and things that they can do for me. This note of him is very direct. He is saying that though he is far from me, I would still be in his heart. He said that because I was in Batangas studying and he was in Manila working. Moreover, we were separated by our own parents and the people around us. He is six years older than me. I was then a high school student and a member of Youth for Christ while he was a working man and a member of Singles for Christ. In our status, our differences are easily recognized. People were saying that our relationship will not last for long because of our age gap and our distance from each other. Everybody was against us. It is only the two of us who keep on fighting for it and no one was there for us. Our story resembles that of Romeo and Juliet. Our parents were the primary hindrance in our relationship. Before, they were friends but when they find out that we are having an affair they became great enemies. This is just a part of our story and the rest is history.

                   

               With this I learned that loving someone requires patience so that everybody will accept it.  Our story has taught me that sacrificing is one of the elements of love. Loving, as what I’ve mentioned earlier, is not always positive in everything. It does not necessarily mean that if your in-love you’ll be happy for the rest of it. You also have to understand the reason for all that happens. But the most important of it is that both of you understands each other.

                My perception about love has even become stronger when I read the article of Ken Raggio, a 35-year pastor, counselor, and preacher. In his article, he said that love is essential to all perfect relationships. But then, true love is not always romantic. “Romance adds the perfume and the colors. Romance embellishes the scenery and swells the music. Romance is the gilding of love. Romance is gold leaf. It is ornamentation. Romance sometimes becomes a means unto self. It even becomes a cheap substitute for love at all times…Romance is skin deep. Love is heart deep. Romance requires things that love does not require. Romance requires gifts and surprises and lavish attention…”

              “Love is for givers, not getters. Those who demand to be loved before they will love shouldn’t be surprised if no one gives them love. Lovers live in a world of giving. The getters, the ones who are looking for love, are of different world. We have the duty to love, but we have no guarantees that we will be loved. We have it in our power to love, but we have no power to force others to love us. It is folly to spend life demanding love from others. If we are true lovers, our entire mindset is in a giving mode…” 

              Truly, we often equate love and romance. Even my own self had that notion. At first I felt so in love with the guys who used to give me abundant attention and lots of gifts. Honestly, one of the things that made me felt so much in love with my boyfriend is the fact that he made me feel so special by giving expensive gifts and lots of surprises. His full attention is with me. Every time he goes home in Batangas, he gives me small stuffs and during our monthsaries, he gives me different material gifts (Girbaud bags, wallets, Guess shirt, and the likes) and also flowers and foods. I really felt so special that time because my classmates and friends were all envy to me. They kept on praying that they might found a man like mine. In addition, I felt that romantic moments will be the factor that will keep our relationship strong. But as years passed by, I realized that expensive gifts, surprises, and attention, as well as romantic moments do not matter at all. In fact, they were all just bonuses. What keep our relationship stronger are the challenges and problems that we have undergone. We have proven that loving is giving but not giving material things. It is giving the needs of your partner that will enable both parties to grow and become mature. It is giving the fulfillment of one’s emptiness.

             “Love requires the giving of one’s self to another. It involves an element of self-depletion, self-exhaustion. Love is emphatic. It puts itself in someone else’s shoes. Love seeks to understand. Love cares. It does not pre-judge. It does not pass sentences. Love does not jump to conclusions. Love does not throw down ultimatums. Love does not declare war on its object. Love is tender, it is kind, and it is forgiving.”

               Every where I go and whoever I talk to about love, they always say that in loving a person, understanding every little stuff about him is necessary. It is also as better as saying “Love means accepting the person for whatever and whoever he/she is.” And I think this is the best definition of love because true love is unconditional. It is not important to know his educational and family background, his intellectual capacity, and all his abilities. What matters most is the emotional thing that you have for him inside your heart. It is not important to learn first the things he can give and do for you. It is better to know first the things you can do for him. Are you willing to sacrifice for him? Are you willing to risk your heart for him? Can you fight for him? Can you accept him for who and what he is? Are you willing to commit your love to him? Is he the man whom you want to spend the rest of your life with? These are the things that you must better assess than knowing his answers to these questions. You must also learn to forgive because committing into love also means that you are willing to forgive. Sacrificing, understanding, and forgiving are three connected actions related to love.

             “Love is tuning into another’s sensitivities. Love sense’s another’s strengths and weaknesses. It uses the other person’s measuring stick. It suffers and rejoices on another’s terms. Love seeks rapport. It seeks to interface with another at their level. It seeks to relate emotionally, intellectually, physically, and spiritually. Love compromises whenever possible. Love sacrifices personal whims if they are incompatible with the one who is loved. Love abandons pursuits that hurt the one who is loved. Love will do without. Love will dress in the color that another chooses. Love bends. Love stretches. Love must sometimes keep silent. Love is a desire that someone will fare better than yourself. It is the willingness to spend yourself for the well-being of another. Love will pay a debt the other cannot pay. It will bail them out for the sake of survival. Love wants the other to survive even if it means to death to self. Love will die so someone else can live.”

              I remember one his letters. It contains this message: IF I’LL DIE BEFORE YOU DO, I’LL GO TO HEAVEN AND WAIT FOR YOU! My interpretation of this is that he would rather choose to be the first to leave this world than me and then we will just continue our relationship in heaven. There, happiness is eternal and there would be no problems at all. This message of him is about death but there is still love after death. It simply means that his love for me will really last forever.

              In loving, you must learn to be flexible, to adjust to your partner. When you commit into something, it automatically means that you’ll be willing to do everything for it. So when you commit into love, you must be willing to adjust yourself for your partner. Remember that you have chosen to love him so you must make it a point that you’ll be able to be flexible in order to fulfill his needs.

              When I was twelve years old, I do not believe to people saying that they are willing to die for their loved one. For me at that time, my belief was that our loved one who also loves us has the same wants as we have. He may also want the best for us and may be willing to give his life for us. Thus, why are we going to die for him if our death will cause so much pain for him? But then his death may also cause our suffering but not too much because we have seen the cause of his death; that there is a reason why he was gone. Well, that was way back my elementary years. When I experience love, especially the love I now have with my boyfriend, I come to appreciate fully the real meaning of love and that is what I’m always mentioning…sacrifice.

               “Love will expose you to rejection and hurts. Your attempts at loving someone will not always be appreciated or received kindly. Your motives may not be understood or believed…When you love you are the most vulnerable to hurt. Sharing your love is the most expensive thing you will ever do. It can either be the most rewarding effort or it can be the most devastating endeavor. Nobody is happier than a person in love. Nobody is sadder than one whose love has failed.”

               It is true that not at all times you’ll be successful in love. It takes so much pain and risk before having the perfect love. Some might reject you and misinterpret your objectives. Some may underestimate or overestimate your capabilities. But you know what, that is the magic of love. You may feel all the sufferings and rejections you can ever have in this world, but when you finally found the one, the perfect one, every little pain in your heart will be soothed. You’ll forget all the moments when you are down because when you found the right one, it seems that you are in heaven.

                 In summing up all of these, love means sacrificing, understanding, giving, forgiving, adjusting, waiting, and taking all the risks. But the best of all these is that “love is accepting.” Accepting your partner for who and what he is and not for what he can give is the best meaning of love for me. True love means forever. You don’t have to search for it; it will come. As one of the quotes says, “Life is so short to waste time for someone who is unworthy of your love. It’s so sad when the right person won’t be able to come to you because you’re busy all your life making the wrong person right for you.”  When you found the right person, do all your best to apply all the verbs mentioned about love. Bear in mind, “true love doesn’t have a happy ending because true love doesn’t have an ending.”